CAREGIVER QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FROM THE COMMUNITY
Sharing caregiving stories, asking questions, and supporting each other not only helps build our community, but it strengthens us as well. If you have a question or want to share your experiences, please drop me a note.
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"My mother lives with me and my husband. She recently stayed at a rehab center for a fractured hip. Now, she is better and has returned home. What troubles me is that she used to be continent before she went to the rehab. I noticed that they told her not to walk to her toilet at night in the rehab center, because they did not want her to fall. These days, she can walk just fine, but she wears a diaper. Can this happen from just a short stay in a hospital or rehab?"
-Elaine, in Monroe, NJ
-Elaine, in Monroe, NJ
Unfortunately, this is very common. The workers in hospitals and rehabs have far too many patients to care for simultaneously. Sadly, many people are discouraged from using a toilet in such facilities, as it creates more work for the caregivers. I would suggest that your mother get some at-home physical and occupational therapy to retrain toileting within the specific parameters of your home. Bladders can be quickly retrained and I have seen many patients bounce back from the learned incontinence that is so prevalent in healthcare facilities.
"My father is 99 years old and a veteran of World War II. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge and is sharp as a tack. He loves talking about the war. I had to sell his home, as he cannot live alone, but I do not have adequate space for him to live with me. I have two choices of nursing home facilities. The first is a dismal looking place, just a mile from my job. The second is a beautiful, light-filled building specifically meant for the veterans of our country. I know that he would prefer the veteran home, but it would require a forty-five minute drive from my apartment. Which do you think is the better place for my Dad to live?”
-Lewis, in Keyport
-Lewis, in Keyport
Putting your parent in a nursing home is one of the hardest decisions any of us will ever have to make. It is important to make a decision based on a few factors. On the one hand, the veteran facility would allow your father to be around fellow servicemen/women, and his surroundings would be a bit more uplifting during a difficult transition. On the other hand, for anyone living in a nursing home, the most important thing they rely upon is a visiting family member or friend. If you feel that you would be able to see your father several times a week in the closer facility, then it may mean more to your father to see his son rather than to live in a gorgeous building. Whatever decision you make, get a feel for the staff. If the caregivers seem satisfied within their jobs and care about the people who live there, your father will get better care, no matter what the place looks like to your eyes.
"My in-laws have recently moved in with my husband and our children. My father-in-law is on oxygen and the tubing in all over our living room. He is also verbally abusive to his wife, who weeps in her bedroom. I find myself running errands to delay going home after working all day. At night, I cannot sleep and sometimes dream of screaming at my father-in-law. I feel like I am losing my mind and have lost my home. Is this normal?”
-Marcy, in Marlboro, NJ
-Marcy, in Marlboro, NJ
Yes. What you are feeling is caregiver strain. Studies have shown that it is more common for caregivers to experience anxiety, depression and panic attacks, than the people they are caring for. Whether you have been thrust into the role of a caregiver or have hand-selected it, it is essential to look out for the signs of caregiver strain. The avoidance of returning to your house is a clear sign that you are nearing your own breaking point. I was once told by my doctor that I needed to quit my job in a certain nursing home, because it was impacting my health. Looking back, that doctor was right. I was making myself sick as a caregiver. Always make sure that you have adequate support first; go to a psychotherapist, yoga class, shop for lipstick, whatever it is that allows you to care for yourself. Once you are in a calm frame of mind, you will be better able to handle taking on the burdens of others. And remind yourself that you are not alone in this experience and it is perfectly normal to feel frustrated.